It's REALLY been a long time, huh?

I guess blogging is not my thang. I like the thought of it, but... it seems to be a very easy way to be immature. I guess that's why it was so appealing to me tonight. I hurt... that's what I have to say. I always hurt, but today, I hurt more than usual. I have been let down by a person who ALWAYS lets me down. I know it sounds ridiculous, but this time... I held out for a miracle. That's what would have had to occur in this case. So... I guess I'm not actually hurt, but... disappointed.

In reality, I'd rather reserve miracles for a true calling... my children. I want any miracle reserved for me, if any, to be applied to my kids. I guess what I meant to say earlier is... I would have liked to have observed a miracle happening. Alas... I have not. What I have seen is someone I care for falling further down the rabbit hole of fucked upedness. He doesn't see it that way, of course.

In truth, I don't want him. I feel responsible for him, and it sucks. I know rationally, he'd be okay. BUT... on the wrong day, at the wrong time... my words could trigger something. A word from ANYONE could trigger something. It's tiresome. I just wish, for one minute, that he gave a shit about himself instead of leaving it up to his adoring masses.

It's been a while...

since I last posted on here. So long, in fact, that it took me twenty minutes to remember my password to get in to the page.:P I guess up until now... everything's been okay. :) Up until now, I repeat.

Have you ever had to stand-by and watch someone you care about crash and burn? It's not pretty or pleasant. That's what I've been doing for the last few weeks. It's not the first time, either. I've discovered, as of yesterday, that I am profoundly sad about it all. I think I'm sad because I know I have to just walk away from it.

I'm drained and exhausted, I had my hands pretty full before this even started. But now...I feel like I could lie down and just sleep for a week. It's horrible to watch someone fall down into a seemingly bottomless pit of mistreated mental illness, addiction and despair and know there is not a God damned thing you can do about it. Even worse is feeling you have to abandon that person to save your own sanity. I'm straddling the fence right now.

So... I think I'll contemplate the state of the universe tonight while listening to some music. Good evening.

Bah... Humbug.

It seems to me, that every year around the holidays, I have to deal with some sort of crisis. Real or imagined. Frankly, I'm tired of it. I never make New Year's resolutions, but I'm going to this year. I resolve to never deal with Christmas drama again. I'm going to go on vacation around the 20th of December and return around the 5th of January. Problem solved.

I wash my hands of work related bullshit. By that I mean, trying to work around everyone's work schedule that SHOULD have been dealt with long before it ever is. I'm tired of people droning on and on about how the meaning of Christmas has been forgotten, and then the same people turning around and spending every dime they have on it. I'm tired of building up, in my mind, a nice family gathering... only to have it end up being a chore instead of a pleasure. I'm done.

I need peace. I need tranquility. It may sound trite... so be it.

I'm renting a cabin with a fireplace next year... I want my children with me, and no one else. Now that would be a Merry Christmas to me.

Sorry about the Grinchness, but I've simply had all I can take.

MERRY CHRISTMAS! :D

An Important Day....

When we wake up tomorrow it will be just another day for most of us... but it also marks what would have been John Lennon's 70th birthday. That's important to me. The fact that John Lennon would have been 70 years old is incredible, considering his ever youthful legacy. Maybe that's what dying young does for you, if you're already a legend. He'll always be young... he'll always be intense, he'll always be relevant. Always.

Maybe that's the way it was meant to be. A tragic, bold underline beneath The Beatles wonderful catalog of thought provoking songs. Within every lesson lies a tragedy... perhaps. The fact is, for me, there is a Beatles song for every poignant moment in my life. That's all I need to know.

As much as I wish he were still here... I'm happy he was here at all.

It's been a while...

but I'm still up until all hours. :P Some things never change. There have been a few other changes, though. My Dad has been with me about three weeks now and all is going fairly smoothly. He's been a little down (probably misses those young little nurses :P), but that's to be expected. He seems to enjoy being here most of the time and the only thing I have to prod him to do is shower. He always insists he has just taken one, but I can assure him he has not. ;) My biggest worries are his diet and his oxygen levels. It seems, according to the home health care nurse, that he is too healthy for a nurse to regularly visit, so I have no O2 readings. This makes me nervous.

Jody's first day of middle school is tomorrow... she is not amused. The summer just flew by and is never enough for her, or any of us, for that matter. Yet, her overstuffed book bag and new clothes beckon. She will survive. I'm excited for her, even if she isn't! :)

All in all, it's been a pretty great summer. We went on a nice family road trip to Lake Erie and Cedar point, we spent a lot of time at the pool and even more time on the ball field. We're all sun-kissed and satisfied, what more can you ask for? I can't wait to see what Fall brings... I'm ready for Jody to throw her first AWESOME Halloween party. I'm already brainstorming ideas! ;) Look out Foy's, here we come!

It's 4 o'clock in the morning...

and there is no sleep in sight. I've had a few drinks... but still, I should have been asleep a couple hours ago. I have things churning inside me, and NOTHING seems to calm them.

I'm wondering if I've led my daughter down the right roads... she's 11 and more mouthy than I ever was... even when I was a "real" punk rocker in the eighties. She's really smart, and that makes me proud AND scares the shit out of me at the same time.

My Dad is going to move in with us in a week. That scares me more than anyone would ever know. I've never really lived with my father... and now I'm in a parental position. I don't like it... even though I should. :P

All these things really put a damper on my one night stands... and that sucks. Maybe I'm resentful, maybe I'm desperate. BUT... it could be... I'm delusional, since I've had no sex life to speak of in over a year!!! So... that can't really be it.

The fact is, I'm going to have to focus on other people for a change... and that's a good thing. My whole life has revolved around my kids, and that's natural... what I'm going to do isn't. I'm going to have to live with a man I never really understood, did everything differently than I would have, and who made catastrophic mistakes in life. Whoops... that's me!

Like daughter, like father.

Not so late night, lately...

I'm still up til all hours... but I'm too tired to type the thoughts of my rambling mind! Baseball should be over after this week, and I'm ready! We've got three more tournament games this week and I'm torn between wanting my daughter's team to go all the way, and wanting it all to be over. Actually, I want them to go all the way. I just want to be able to watch it on TV, in the air-conditioned comfort of my living room! :P If she plays next year, I'm building a little cubicle, with a big window, to sit in. I'll have a recliner, fridge and a tiny air conditioner in there, then she can play ALL summer! It doesn't sound unreasonable to me!

Anyway, had a really nice 4th of July. Went to regular league closing ceremonies and sat with an old friend... played around outside and then went to the V.F.W. for food, fireworks and cheap drinks. They actually had a pretty decent band playing, and the fireworks get better every year! Not too shabby for a one light town! :P Pretty good summer so far, and The Reds are really putting the icing on the cake!

I guess it's time to get in gear, I've got a lot of sweating to do this evening! Go Enon! :/