It's REALLY been a long time, huh?

I guess blogging is not my thang. I like the thought of it, but... it seems to be a very easy way to be immature. I guess that's why it was so appealing to me tonight. I hurt... that's what I have to say. I always hurt, but today, I hurt more than usual. I have been let down by a person who ALWAYS lets me down. I know it sounds ridiculous, but this time... I held out for a miracle. That's what would have had to occur in this case. So... I guess I'm not actually hurt, but... disappointed.

In reality, I'd rather reserve miracles for a true calling... my children. I want any miracle reserved for me, if any, to be applied to my kids. I guess what I meant to say earlier is... I would have liked to have observed a miracle happening. Alas... I have not. What I have seen is someone I care for falling further down the rabbit hole of fucked upedness. He doesn't see it that way, of course.

In truth, I don't want him. I feel responsible for him, and it sucks. I know rationally, he'd be okay. BUT... on the wrong day, at the wrong time... my words could trigger something. A word from ANYONE could trigger something. It's tiresome. I just wish, for one minute, that he gave a shit about himself instead of leaving it up to his adoring masses.

It's been a while...

since I last posted on here. So long, in fact, that it took me twenty minutes to remember my password to get in to the page.:P I guess up until now... everything's been okay. :) Up until now, I repeat.

Have you ever had to stand-by and watch someone you care about crash and burn? It's not pretty or pleasant. That's what I've been doing for the last few weeks. It's not the first time, either. I've discovered, as of yesterday, that I am profoundly sad about it all. I think I'm sad because I know I have to just walk away from it.

I'm drained and exhausted, I had my hands pretty full before this even started. But now...I feel like I could lie down and just sleep for a week. It's horrible to watch someone fall down into a seemingly bottomless pit of mistreated mental illness, addiction and despair and know there is not a God damned thing you can do about it. Even worse is feeling you have to abandon that person to save your own sanity. I'm straddling the fence right now.

So... I think I'll contemplate the state of the universe tonight while listening to some music. Good evening.