Every Ting Gonna Be Alright...

I hope. I'm trying hard to have a mellow outlook on things... I really am. The cynic in me is a huge presence... HUGE, and I hate that. I always have these internal conflicts between good and bad. I always want to have faith in people, but it's always tinged with doubt. Try as i might, I can't shake it. I guess it's like trying to unring a bell... impossible.

So... what's the cure for it? How can I rid myself of this bad attitude? Is it possible to renew ones faith in mankind? Can I really forgive and forget? If I do, it seems I have to forget everything I've learned to protect myself. I'll have no defenses. I'll have no protective shield. I'll have no witty comebacks to seemingly insulting comments.

I don't know... would it be worth it?

I'm starting to believe it would. It's really easy to believe the worst about people, and I'm sick of it. We've all messed up... some, more than others, yet... we've all made mistakes. I've made MANY! Who in the hell do I think I am? Somewhere along the line I began to think I'm an authority on screwing up, and that gave me the right to judge others mistakes. I couldn't have been more wrong.

I'm just hoping this just a "phase" I'm going through, and that it will end soon! LOL!

Honestly... I am starting to mellow with age. I LOVE the people in my life, and I certainly hope they know that. I am harsh at times, I know that. I always try to explain myself to those I've offended. I'm just a passionate person and sometimes speak before thinking. For that, I do apologize. I am not sorry for who I am, though.

I do have regrets, everyone does. Some people cringe when they see me, some people smile. That's cool. I'd rather evoke some kind of reaction, than none. It's sad, but I've only really learned one thing in life... You can't please everyone, so be who you really are.

It's just difficult to wear who you really are on your sleeve.

Something about a Sunday....

especially a beautiful Sunday like today. The sun is shining and the grass and greenery is lush and fertile. I hear children laughing and playing, people are firing up their grills, and I hear the faint strumming of a guitar somewhere. I love this time of year. Could there be a better time to break out some great summer music? I don't think so. I think I'll take a drive and do some sightseeing... here are a few of the tunes on my Sunday afternoon soundtrack. Have a wonderful day. :)

Is that a broom stick up your ass or.... oh... I guess it is.

I've always felt that I'm a pretty good mother. I'm not perfect of course... who is? All in all though, I feel like I've done everything I possibly can as a single parent. I do my best to hear my children when they are talking with me. I feel that I have a good, open relationship with them and that they trust me... for the most part. We share music, books, stories of life and the questions life poses. I've always been confident in my abilities as a parent, until I met the quintessential....

SOCCER MOM. Or... in my case... BASEBALL MOM.

Christ... are these people real? Honestly. It's not always just the mothers either, the fathers can be just as ridiculous in their own ways. If you want to see the core of human nature... go watch a little league baseball game. (insert any childhood sport here) The dads all stand by the fence as if they are going to be called on to pitch or something. They're more into the game than the kids are. They stand there in these folded-arm poses, just waiting for someone to do something stupid, it seems. Of course, it inevitably does... then they finally get the chance to vocalize their complete dissatisfaction with their own lives.

The wives of these men scurry around the dugout like buzzing bees around a hive. Everything is SO important! One's counting pitches... another keeping score, they compare their findings every 30 seconds. The team mother for my daughter's team goes around asking if you can bring snacks the following game. If you tell her yes, she then tells you she's got plenty, if you just want to give her 7 dollars. WHY doesn't she just ask you for 7 bucks first, instead of telling you what to bring, and then telling you she's already got it?

I'm baffled by these passive-aggressive beings... as well as intimidated, somewhat. After all, I seem to be the odd man out... no one else seems to be baffled. Have I been going about everything the wrong way all along? Is it just luck that's kept me above water until now? Perhaps. But, honestly... I think they all just need to get laid. I'm single and haven't been tied down to just one person in a loooong time. I really do think that's what it all boils down too. The stress, the tension in the air... pretty textbook, if you ask me.

So... the point of this particular blog is... DO NOT let your children be a replacement for the things that you are missing in your own life. If you are unhappy, do something about it. It'll only make you a better parent. :)

What a drag it is getting old...

Honestly, there are times when I'm just completely horrified that I'm 42 years old. How in the hell did this happen? How is it that my son is a grown man? How is it that my little toddler, who was just running around the house in a diaper yesterday, is turning 11 this year? Who is that person staring back at me in the mirror? It can't be me... it simply can not. I still feel like a 22 year old inside... how can that be me? I know everyone goes through this, but knowing that doesn't make me feel any better.

I can even identify with men and their middle-aged craziness. There is A day, THE day, that you realize you are no longer a vital player in the game of life. Somehow, I've been relegated to the cheerleading section for those who are actively participating in it, and I'm pissed! A new corvette, a toupee, and some gold chains are suddenly seeming like good, sound purchases! I now have a profound understanding of their desperate handholds on the fringe of their youth. As Bill W. said... God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change...

On the other hand... I have a friend who is my age who just found out she's pregnant. Now, that's going TOO much back in time for me. I guess there are limits to where I'm willing to go to feel young again, and that's just a little too far. :P I'm happy for her and everything, but I just keep picturing myself sipping a nice alcoholic beverage on a beach somewhere... just about the time her kid will be entering middle school. I guess I can I live with that.

I am forming my own country and declaring independence at the age of 50. My youngest child will be grown and I'll no longer have an excuse to lay on the couch and watch The Golden Girls. I'm going to put on paper, the novel I've been lugging around in my head for 15 years. I'm going to take guitar lessons and learn more than the 5 chords I've known all my life. I'm going to put the 100,000 pictures I have into scrapbooks and tell the wonderful and diverse story of our family. I'm going to transfer all these videos I have to CD's so that future generations can see our story. I'm going to frame and mat the works of art my family has created over the years, and decorate my walls with them. I'm going to....

ehhh.... fuck it. I think I'll just make a sandwich and go to bed.

He's leaving home... bye, bye

My son is leaving the nest. He is 21, after all, God damn it! So why do I feel so bad? Because, no matter how old he is, he's my baby... that's why. I'm ready for him to go, really. I am. When I was his age age, I was married and had a child! I look back at myself at that age and I can't believe what I was dealing with. I'm so happy that my son is able to pursue his dreams and be young. That's the way it should be.

Still, from my chair in the living room, I'll look down the hall and know he isn't there. I'll strain to hear the music that once blasted from his room, and instead of being pissed off by it, I'll miss it. I'll miss his enthusiasm about a great new song that he can't wait for me to hear. I'll miss hearing him play his guitar and singing. I'll miss him taking the last Coke from the fridge. I'll just miss him... so much.

He'd never know it, but i used to watch him sleep when he was little. He smiled when he slept. I used to wonder what made him so happy. It was music. It still is. He's been filled with it all of his life. I used to wonder if I could instill in my children a true love for music. I need not have worried. If anything, they've given me a new faith in it. My son keeps me young and hopeful, and for that I am grateful.

Music.

It is a true universal language. My whole family is fluent. For that... I am SO thankful.

I guess it's Mother's Day...

but from where I stand, it's more like Offspring Day! I have the two best kids on the face of the Earth. I mean it. My son took his little sister out shopping and got me new headphones. Now... that might not mean that much to the average music listening person, but to me, it's everything. I listen to music a LOT! I've been using headphones that have been duct-taped together for quite a while. I don't want just your average 10 dollar headphones, I want the pricey ones, and they know it! I just think it's the coolest thing when your kids understand you. What could be better than that?

On top of that... my daughter gave me a beautifully presented and written card that she made herself. It's going into the "safe", as I call it. It's the place I put every cherished handmade gift I've ever recieved. These things are the most prized possesions I own. If you can pry them from my cold, dead hands... then they're yours. Short of that, good luck.

I think my kids understand that a Mother's love is unconditional. I'll be there for them, no matter what. I know how important that is, myself. Sometimes... the world seems too much to bear and your mother is the one who can make it okay again. My mother has been that for me, and I'll be that for mine if need be.

I love my Mother and my Grandmother so much, words could never do it justice. If my children feel anything close to that, then I am the luckiest person on Earth. It's hard to find an example of Motherly Love in music... but here goes. It's something she and I will understand.

It's finally hit me...

that... had the moon and stars aligned, I would have been celebrating my 23 anniversary today. But, alas... it was not to be. Even if we had remained married, 21years is as far as we could have gone. My ex-husband passed away in April of last year. I don't know why I thought of it this year, in all honesty. I never remember the anniversary on it's actual date.

What's bizarre is that I think of Ronnie almost every day because my son looks so much like him. It's a thing you get used to, I guess. You see one, you see the other. It doesn't even register with me, most days. I looked at my son today, though... and it all came rushing in.

Ronnie and I had a great couple years that I cherish in my heart, but it soon fell to pieces. Ronnie was 10 years older than me and had some habits I was just too naive and ill equipped to recognize in the beginning. I don't think he realized he had problems himself. Living life day to day, as we do, makes it difficult to recognize patterns of abuse. Be it alcoholism, drug abuse, or a gambling addiction... which is what Ronnie suffered from. It proved to be devastating for us, and I had to end the cycle. We never hated each other, and in fact, neither one of us remarried. BUT... I'm not dead yet! :P

I do feel though, that I need to share what Ronnie meant to me. He gave me my son... one of the most intelligent, talented people I know. He opened my mind and heart to real music. He told me not to focus on what is popular, but what is good... regardless of the genre it falls in. My pride would not allow me to get past his imperfections in order to recognize his perfections, and for that, I'm truly sorry.

This one's for you, baby.

"I'm living rent free in Obama's mind." Rush Limbaugh

I love this quote... and it seems to be fairly true. It seems that every public speaking engagement Obama has, he finds a way to bring up Rush's and/or Glenn Beck's name. The most glaring example of this is when Obama was giving a commencement speech at The University of Michigan. Although, all in all, the speech was uplifting and congratulatory... for some reason Obama felt it necessary to include this in his speech.

"Still, if you're somebody who only reads the editorial page of The New York Times, try glancing at the page of The Wall Street Journal once in a while. If you're a fan of Glenn Beck or Rush Limbaugh, try reading a few columns on the Huffington Post website. It may make your blood boil; your mind may not be changed. But the practice of listening to opposing views is essential for effective citizenship. (Applause.) It is essential for our democracy. (Applause.)"

I find it a little telling that Obama must try to get a dig in whenever he can. I feel it was an inappropriate thing for a president to say at a commencement speech.

That's all. :P

Pretty jazzed...

Well... I usually don't get all gushy and stupid over pop stars, but I've made an exception for Adam Lambert. I think he has unlimited potential and I'm hoping that once he's free from the American Idol ball and chain, he'll be the next King of glam rock! We've got tickets to see him in June at a pretty small venue in Columbus, and we're taking my daughter with us. It'll be her first concert and she is SO excited! The icing on the cake is that Orianthi, the incredible female guitarist who has crashed through the glass ceiling, is opening up for him! I don't know who I'm more excited to see, her or Adam! :P

My son wasn't interested in seeing Mr. Lambert, but he is going with me to see Muse later this summer! I'm REALLY up for this show... it's going to be fantastic! There are so many great bands right now... I just love getting to see all these great new artists. The old ones aren't too bad either, I'm taking my mother to see Three Dog Night in July. They still sound as good as they ever did and it's at The Fraze, so how could it be bad?