What a drag it is getting old...

Honestly, there are times when I'm just completely horrified that I'm 42 years old. How in the hell did this happen? How is it that my son is a grown man? How is it that my little toddler, who was just running around the house in a diaper yesterday, is turning 11 this year? Who is that person staring back at me in the mirror? It can't be me... it simply can not. I still feel like a 22 year old inside... how can that be me? I know everyone goes through this, but knowing that doesn't make me feel any better.

I can even identify with men and their middle-aged craziness. There is A day, THE day, that you realize you are no longer a vital player in the game of life. Somehow, I've been relegated to the cheerleading section for those who are actively participating in it, and I'm pissed! A new corvette, a toupee, and some gold chains are suddenly seeming like good, sound purchases! I now have a profound understanding of their desperate handholds on the fringe of their youth. As Bill W. said... God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change...

On the other hand... I have a friend who is my age who just found out she's pregnant. Now, that's going TOO much back in time for me. I guess there are limits to where I'm willing to go to feel young again, and that's just a little too far. :P I'm happy for her and everything, but I just keep picturing myself sipping a nice alcoholic beverage on a beach somewhere... just about the time her kid will be entering middle school. I guess I can I live with that.

I am forming my own country and declaring independence at the age of 50. My youngest child will be grown and I'll no longer have an excuse to lay on the couch and watch The Golden Girls. I'm going to put on paper, the novel I've been lugging around in my head for 15 years. I'm going to take guitar lessons and learn more than the 5 chords I've known all my life. I'm going to put the 100,000 pictures I have into scrapbooks and tell the wonderful and diverse story of our family. I'm going to transfer all these videos I have to CD's so that future generations can see our story. I'm going to frame and mat the works of art my family has created over the years, and decorate my walls with them. I'm going to....

ehhh.... fuck it. I think I'll just make a sandwich and go to bed.