Bah... Humbug.

It seems to me, that every year around the holidays, I have to deal with some sort of crisis. Real or imagined. Frankly, I'm tired of it. I never make New Year's resolutions, but I'm going to this year. I resolve to never deal with Christmas drama again. I'm going to go on vacation around the 20th of December and return around the 5th of January. Problem solved.

I wash my hands of work related bullshit. By that I mean, trying to work around everyone's work schedule that SHOULD have been dealt with long before it ever is. I'm tired of people droning on and on about how the meaning of Christmas has been forgotten, and then the same people turning around and spending every dime they have on it. I'm tired of building up, in my mind, a nice family gathering... only to have it end up being a chore instead of a pleasure. I'm done.

I need peace. I need tranquility. It may sound trite... so be it.

I'm renting a cabin with a fireplace next year... I want my children with me, and no one else. Now that would be a Merry Christmas to me.

Sorry about the Grinchness, but I've simply had all I can take.

MERRY CHRISTMAS! :D

An Important Day....

When we wake up tomorrow it will be just another day for most of us... but it also marks what would have been John Lennon's 70th birthday. That's important to me. The fact that John Lennon would have been 70 years old is incredible, considering his ever youthful legacy. Maybe that's what dying young does for you, if you're already a legend. He'll always be young... he'll always be intense, he'll always be relevant. Always.

Maybe that's the way it was meant to be. A tragic, bold underline beneath The Beatles wonderful catalog of thought provoking songs. Within every lesson lies a tragedy... perhaps. The fact is, for me, there is a Beatles song for every poignant moment in my life. That's all I need to know.

As much as I wish he were still here... I'm happy he was here at all.

It's been a while...

but I'm still up until all hours. :P Some things never change. There have been a few other changes, though. My Dad has been with me about three weeks now and all is going fairly smoothly. He's been a little down (probably misses those young little nurses :P), but that's to be expected. He seems to enjoy being here most of the time and the only thing I have to prod him to do is shower. He always insists he has just taken one, but I can assure him he has not. ;) My biggest worries are his diet and his oxygen levels. It seems, according to the home health care nurse, that he is too healthy for a nurse to regularly visit, so I have no O2 readings. This makes me nervous.

Jody's first day of middle school is tomorrow... she is not amused. The summer just flew by and is never enough for her, or any of us, for that matter. Yet, her overstuffed book bag and new clothes beckon. She will survive. I'm excited for her, even if she isn't! :)

All in all, it's been a pretty great summer. We went on a nice family road trip to Lake Erie and Cedar point, we spent a lot of time at the pool and even more time on the ball field. We're all sun-kissed and satisfied, what more can you ask for? I can't wait to see what Fall brings... I'm ready for Jody to throw her first AWESOME Halloween party. I'm already brainstorming ideas! ;) Look out Foy's, here we come!

It's 4 o'clock in the morning...

and there is no sleep in sight. I've had a few drinks... but still, I should have been asleep a couple hours ago. I have things churning inside me, and NOTHING seems to calm them.

I'm wondering if I've led my daughter down the right roads... she's 11 and more mouthy than I ever was... even when I was a "real" punk rocker in the eighties. She's really smart, and that makes me proud AND scares the shit out of me at the same time.

My Dad is going to move in with us in a week. That scares me more than anyone would ever know. I've never really lived with my father... and now I'm in a parental position. I don't like it... even though I should. :P

All these things really put a damper on my one night stands... and that sucks. Maybe I'm resentful, maybe I'm desperate. BUT... it could be... I'm delusional, since I've had no sex life to speak of in over a year!!! So... that can't really be it.

The fact is, I'm going to have to focus on other people for a change... and that's a good thing. My whole life has revolved around my kids, and that's natural... what I'm going to do isn't. I'm going to have to live with a man I never really understood, did everything differently than I would have, and who made catastrophic mistakes in life. Whoops... that's me!

Like daughter, like father.

Not so late night, lately...

I'm still up til all hours... but I'm too tired to type the thoughts of my rambling mind! Baseball should be over after this week, and I'm ready! We've got three more tournament games this week and I'm torn between wanting my daughter's team to go all the way, and wanting it all to be over. Actually, I want them to go all the way. I just want to be able to watch it on TV, in the air-conditioned comfort of my living room! :P If she plays next year, I'm building a little cubicle, with a big window, to sit in. I'll have a recliner, fridge and a tiny air conditioner in there, then she can play ALL summer! It doesn't sound unreasonable to me!

Anyway, had a really nice 4th of July. Went to regular league closing ceremonies and sat with an old friend... played around outside and then went to the V.F.W. for food, fireworks and cheap drinks. They actually had a pretty decent band playing, and the fireworks get better every year! Not too shabby for a one light town! :P Pretty good summer so far, and The Reds are really putting the icing on the cake!

I guess it's time to get in gear, I've got a lot of sweating to do this evening! Go Enon! :/

Summertime...

and the living isn't much easier than it ever is but... the beautiful skies and gentle breezes sure make it seem so. I've got the lawn mowed and my tomatoes watered and now I'm taking a lunch break. Ham sammich and chocolate milk... MMMMM, good! :P

Thought I'd share a couple songs I've been doing laps on the yard to! I felt the funk coursing through my body!

I knew I wasn't done...

Whew... okay, I'm just gonna say it! MEN! Damn it! Why are all men nuts? Honestly... I know everyone has nutness within them, but I can hide mine pretty well and deal with it on the side. Why is it men get to display their nutness openly and freely, without consequence? I'm sorry, I can no longer accept this!

I am 42 years old and I'm done dealing with "boys". I'm talking about fully grown men, old enough to have kids with kids. Does it ever end? I was hoping that I'd get one of those men who finally understood that they really can't keep up with those young things they desire so much! I'm a patient person, and I own a vibrator... so... I thought I could get through the rough years. I think I'm screwed, and not the in the way I had hoped. It seems the older men get, the bigger the male ego becomes. Perhaps they've retired "comfortably" and they have money to lure these young things their way... Christ, I don't know. Apparently, men do not mind if girls are only with them for the money. It's a hard spell to break.

I can't help who I am, any more than anyone else can. I know there is a real human being out there somewhere! I just know it! I have a lot to offer the right person. I'm fun, I'm fairly intelligent, and I no longer care if you grow hair out of strange orifices. THAT has got to be a plus! Come on, I'm really trying to give here!

AND! I don't care what anyone says, this song says what I mean!

Long time, no see...

I say that as if people have been anxiously awaiting my next blog! Bah...Haaa...Haaa!
Oh well... I can live in this fantasy world if I want to!

The reason I haven't written lately is because I've spent the last couple weeks being pissed off, and who wants to hear about that? You do? Okay... well, here goes.

I spent last Monday waiting in the most ridiculous line you have ever seen, for a semi-famous American Idol runner-up. We arrived at the venue about an hour and a half before the show, and the line was already ridiculous. By the time we parked, walked over to the venue and went to the bathroom... it was unreal. We walked at least a half mile to the end of the line. It was hot, everyone was on edge, and we were waiting in a line, in the grass, right on a freeway. I'm not kidding... we were on line on a major freeway! Doors were supposed to open at 6:30... the line did not move an inch until 7:00. To make a long story short... this was the worst show I've EVER seen. DO NOT go to an American Idol's show. It's horrible. I took my daughter to this, thinking it would be a great first concert. WRONG! She's probably scarred for life, and has no desire to see live music again. We did not see anything on stage the entire time. BUT... we did see plenty of things we didn't want to see. Anyway... I'm just glad it's over. I guess, after all the wonderful concerts I've seen in my life, I was due for a bad one. I just wish it hadn't fallen on my daughter's first concert.

Adam Lambert... please get better management!

On a good note... my daughter made the All Stars, and I could not be more proud of her! The tournament is this weekend, wish her luck! She is so cool, and I can't wait to see her shine!

Also... I understand that a person I care for has fallen ill. Unfortunately, we don't really speak to one another anymore. If he is as passive-aggressive as I am, maybe he's reading this... if so, I have something to say. I think about you daily, and I KNOW you're going to be okay. It's a hurdle that you'll get over, I know it. Also... I'd like the name of your physician, because I think he's an idiot. :)

Okay... I think I'm done for now... but I'm foaming at the mouth, so who knows?

That which does not kill me only makes me stronger...

God, I hope that's true. Honestly...it's been a rough week. Why is it you can trudge along and get by for ages, but when you really need things to work out... that's when everything goes haywire? WHY?!?

My son moved out a few weeks ago and used up most of his resources in that endeavor, that's when his car decided to act up. He's been treading softly with it, and it seems to be going okay... for now. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

I've finally had to accept that my father probably has Alzheimer's disease at the ripe old age of 65! 65... I never thought I would consider 65 young, but the older I get, the younger it seems. I hate the fact that he'll never be the same. I hate the fact that he won't get to participate in his grand kids lives and that they won't get to have the real him in their lives. They'll never know his keen wit. They'll never understand just how smart this man is. They'll never understand that a lot of who they are, filtered down through him. I'm in mourning for a living person... and that just sucks. Alas, that is way things are, I suppose. Knowing that doesn't make it any less of a bitch.

My car... by the way... has also decided to be an asshole. Right after I had written my checking account down to about two dollars, my brakes decided to go out. I decided I'd rather go down in a blaze of glory, rather than stop... and drove it the rest of the way home. Obviously, I made it... not that anyone's doing cartwheels over that. :P

I'm always aware, though, that there are people in this world going through far worse than I am. My problems are petty and few, but they are mine, and I only bring up the ones that affect me the most. My heart goes out to those with health woes and those that are victims of natural disaster, or any disaster... for that matter. What ever you are going through, I hope you come out okay. The only advice I can give is... take a deep breath, count to ten, and know... this, too, shall pass.

Call the Police by Montgomery Chain Gang

Call the Police by Montgomery Chain Gang

I'm Looking Through You by Montgomery Chain Gang

You Give Me Something by Montgomery Chain Gang

Thought I'd post some music my son and I recorded. I'm hoping we get to do another couple songs this month. :D

Can you use that in a sentence, please...

Sexy. How do you define that? It's a quandary, isn't it? There are many things that make make a person sexy. Looks, especially... but everyone has their own opinion of that, huh?

There seems to be a universal appeal of some, such as Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and of course, Johnny Depp. But, of course, we live in the real world. So... we are left with, if you will, average looking fellows. So... what is sexy in the real world?

If you're like me... it's a great sense of humor, which indicates intelligence. You simply can't have humor without intelligence, you CAN have intelligence without humor...not good.

Confidence is a very attractive quality as long as it is backed up with ability, otherwise, it's a joke. There is nothing more sexy than a man who knows what he can do and proves it. Period.

If he's good in bed, he must be a player. Totally wrong. It's as simple as this... there are people born to be lovers, and those who are not. If he is good in bed, just be happy, it's a gift... be gracious and accept it. Quit questioning everything. If you are a good lover, why can't he be?

Sex and sensuality... it's what keeps us up at night, isn't it? I love and live for it. I'm in my forties and the need for it is as strong as ever, maybe stronger than ever. I love it, to me... it's vital. It IS life. It's what keeps me from jumping off a cliff. That's all I need to know.

I'm born again...

That's right, I'm a born again Reds-lover. I absolutely love this team. After a ten year hiatus of baseball, I'm into the thick of it again. It just took one game, and I was hooked. The Reds have a rookie pitcher named, Mike Leake... and OHHHH! What a pitcher he is!

He's such a great player! He catches more balls and participates in so many plays that I'm just baffled! Why aren't there more players like this guy? If I was ten years younger, I'd be a roadie for the Reds just because of him.

Phillips... wow... I love this guy. He has speed like I've never seen and makes phenomenal plays. He's just incredible.

I love Rhodes, I'm just frustrated that they don't let him pitch more. I love his beginning stance... the way he lets that arm hang down. It's so exciting to see him throw.

Arroyo... is awesome. One of the best out there.

Votto.... Mmmmm, I just can't wait for him to come to the plate!

The new Big Red Machine? If there ever was a team to come close, this it! GO REDS!!!!

Every Ting Gonna Be Alright...

I hope. I'm trying hard to have a mellow outlook on things... I really am. The cynic in me is a huge presence... HUGE, and I hate that. I always have these internal conflicts between good and bad. I always want to have faith in people, but it's always tinged with doubt. Try as i might, I can't shake it. I guess it's like trying to unring a bell... impossible.

So... what's the cure for it? How can I rid myself of this bad attitude? Is it possible to renew ones faith in mankind? Can I really forgive and forget? If I do, it seems I have to forget everything I've learned to protect myself. I'll have no defenses. I'll have no protective shield. I'll have no witty comebacks to seemingly insulting comments.

I don't know... would it be worth it?

I'm starting to believe it would. It's really easy to believe the worst about people, and I'm sick of it. We've all messed up... some, more than others, yet... we've all made mistakes. I've made MANY! Who in the hell do I think I am? Somewhere along the line I began to think I'm an authority on screwing up, and that gave me the right to judge others mistakes. I couldn't have been more wrong.

I'm just hoping this just a "phase" I'm going through, and that it will end soon! LOL!

Honestly... I am starting to mellow with age. I LOVE the people in my life, and I certainly hope they know that. I am harsh at times, I know that. I always try to explain myself to those I've offended. I'm just a passionate person and sometimes speak before thinking. For that, I do apologize. I am not sorry for who I am, though.

I do have regrets, everyone does. Some people cringe when they see me, some people smile. That's cool. I'd rather evoke some kind of reaction, than none. It's sad, but I've only really learned one thing in life... You can't please everyone, so be who you really are.

It's just difficult to wear who you really are on your sleeve.

Something about a Sunday....

especially a beautiful Sunday like today. The sun is shining and the grass and greenery is lush and fertile. I hear children laughing and playing, people are firing up their grills, and I hear the faint strumming of a guitar somewhere. I love this time of year. Could there be a better time to break out some great summer music? I don't think so. I think I'll take a drive and do some sightseeing... here are a few of the tunes on my Sunday afternoon soundtrack. Have a wonderful day. :)

Is that a broom stick up your ass or.... oh... I guess it is.

I've always felt that I'm a pretty good mother. I'm not perfect of course... who is? All in all though, I feel like I've done everything I possibly can as a single parent. I do my best to hear my children when they are talking with me. I feel that I have a good, open relationship with them and that they trust me... for the most part. We share music, books, stories of life and the questions life poses. I've always been confident in my abilities as a parent, until I met the quintessential....

SOCCER MOM. Or... in my case... BASEBALL MOM.

Christ... are these people real? Honestly. It's not always just the mothers either, the fathers can be just as ridiculous in their own ways. If you want to see the core of human nature... go watch a little league baseball game. (insert any childhood sport here) The dads all stand by the fence as if they are going to be called on to pitch or something. They're more into the game than the kids are. They stand there in these folded-arm poses, just waiting for someone to do something stupid, it seems. Of course, it inevitably does... then they finally get the chance to vocalize their complete dissatisfaction with their own lives.

The wives of these men scurry around the dugout like buzzing bees around a hive. Everything is SO important! One's counting pitches... another keeping score, they compare their findings every 30 seconds. The team mother for my daughter's team goes around asking if you can bring snacks the following game. If you tell her yes, she then tells you she's got plenty, if you just want to give her 7 dollars. WHY doesn't she just ask you for 7 bucks first, instead of telling you what to bring, and then telling you she's already got it?

I'm baffled by these passive-aggressive beings... as well as intimidated, somewhat. After all, I seem to be the odd man out... no one else seems to be baffled. Have I been going about everything the wrong way all along? Is it just luck that's kept me above water until now? Perhaps. But, honestly... I think they all just need to get laid. I'm single and haven't been tied down to just one person in a loooong time. I really do think that's what it all boils down too. The stress, the tension in the air... pretty textbook, if you ask me.

So... the point of this particular blog is... DO NOT let your children be a replacement for the things that you are missing in your own life. If you are unhappy, do something about it. It'll only make you a better parent. :)

What a drag it is getting old...

Honestly, there are times when I'm just completely horrified that I'm 42 years old. How in the hell did this happen? How is it that my son is a grown man? How is it that my little toddler, who was just running around the house in a diaper yesterday, is turning 11 this year? Who is that person staring back at me in the mirror? It can't be me... it simply can not. I still feel like a 22 year old inside... how can that be me? I know everyone goes through this, but knowing that doesn't make me feel any better.

I can even identify with men and their middle-aged craziness. There is A day, THE day, that you realize you are no longer a vital player in the game of life. Somehow, I've been relegated to the cheerleading section for those who are actively participating in it, and I'm pissed! A new corvette, a toupee, and some gold chains are suddenly seeming like good, sound purchases! I now have a profound understanding of their desperate handholds on the fringe of their youth. As Bill W. said... God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change...

On the other hand... I have a friend who is my age who just found out she's pregnant. Now, that's going TOO much back in time for me. I guess there are limits to where I'm willing to go to feel young again, and that's just a little too far. :P I'm happy for her and everything, but I just keep picturing myself sipping a nice alcoholic beverage on a beach somewhere... just about the time her kid will be entering middle school. I guess I can I live with that.

I am forming my own country and declaring independence at the age of 50. My youngest child will be grown and I'll no longer have an excuse to lay on the couch and watch The Golden Girls. I'm going to put on paper, the novel I've been lugging around in my head for 15 years. I'm going to take guitar lessons and learn more than the 5 chords I've known all my life. I'm going to put the 100,000 pictures I have into scrapbooks and tell the wonderful and diverse story of our family. I'm going to transfer all these videos I have to CD's so that future generations can see our story. I'm going to frame and mat the works of art my family has created over the years, and decorate my walls with them. I'm going to....

ehhh.... fuck it. I think I'll just make a sandwich and go to bed.

He's leaving home... bye, bye

My son is leaving the nest. He is 21, after all, God damn it! So why do I feel so bad? Because, no matter how old he is, he's my baby... that's why. I'm ready for him to go, really. I am. When I was his age age, I was married and had a child! I look back at myself at that age and I can't believe what I was dealing with. I'm so happy that my son is able to pursue his dreams and be young. That's the way it should be.

Still, from my chair in the living room, I'll look down the hall and know he isn't there. I'll strain to hear the music that once blasted from his room, and instead of being pissed off by it, I'll miss it. I'll miss his enthusiasm about a great new song that he can't wait for me to hear. I'll miss hearing him play his guitar and singing. I'll miss him taking the last Coke from the fridge. I'll just miss him... so much.

He'd never know it, but i used to watch him sleep when he was little. He smiled when he slept. I used to wonder what made him so happy. It was music. It still is. He's been filled with it all of his life. I used to wonder if I could instill in my children a true love for music. I need not have worried. If anything, they've given me a new faith in it. My son keeps me young and hopeful, and for that I am grateful.

Music.

It is a true universal language. My whole family is fluent. For that... I am SO thankful.

I guess it's Mother's Day...

but from where I stand, it's more like Offspring Day! I have the two best kids on the face of the Earth. I mean it. My son took his little sister out shopping and got me new headphones. Now... that might not mean that much to the average music listening person, but to me, it's everything. I listen to music a LOT! I've been using headphones that have been duct-taped together for quite a while. I don't want just your average 10 dollar headphones, I want the pricey ones, and they know it! I just think it's the coolest thing when your kids understand you. What could be better than that?

On top of that... my daughter gave me a beautifully presented and written card that she made herself. It's going into the "safe", as I call it. It's the place I put every cherished handmade gift I've ever recieved. These things are the most prized possesions I own. If you can pry them from my cold, dead hands... then they're yours. Short of that, good luck.

I think my kids understand that a Mother's love is unconditional. I'll be there for them, no matter what. I know how important that is, myself. Sometimes... the world seems too much to bear and your mother is the one who can make it okay again. My mother has been that for me, and I'll be that for mine if need be.

I love my Mother and my Grandmother so much, words could never do it justice. If my children feel anything close to that, then I am the luckiest person on Earth. It's hard to find an example of Motherly Love in music... but here goes. It's something she and I will understand.

It's finally hit me...

that... had the moon and stars aligned, I would have been celebrating my 23 anniversary today. But, alas... it was not to be. Even if we had remained married, 21years is as far as we could have gone. My ex-husband passed away in April of last year. I don't know why I thought of it this year, in all honesty. I never remember the anniversary on it's actual date.

What's bizarre is that I think of Ronnie almost every day because my son looks so much like him. It's a thing you get used to, I guess. You see one, you see the other. It doesn't even register with me, most days. I looked at my son today, though... and it all came rushing in.

Ronnie and I had a great couple years that I cherish in my heart, but it soon fell to pieces. Ronnie was 10 years older than me and had some habits I was just too naive and ill equipped to recognize in the beginning. I don't think he realized he had problems himself. Living life day to day, as we do, makes it difficult to recognize patterns of abuse. Be it alcoholism, drug abuse, or a gambling addiction... which is what Ronnie suffered from. It proved to be devastating for us, and I had to end the cycle. We never hated each other, and in fact, neither one of us remarried. BUT... I'm not dead yet! :P

I do feel though, that I need to share what Ronnie meant to me. He gave me my son... one of the most intelligent, talented people I know. He opened my mind and heart to real music. He told me not to focus on what is popular, but what is good... regardless of the genre it falls in. My pride would not allow me to get past his imperfections in order to recognize his perfections, and for that, I'm truly sorry.

This one's for you, baby.

"I'm living rent free in Obama's mind." Rush Limbaugh

I love this quote... and it seems to be fairly true. It seems that every public speaking engagement Obama has, he finds a way to bring up Rush's and/or Glenn Beck's name. The most glaring example of this is when Obama was giving a commencement speech at The University of Michigan. Although, all in all, the speech was uplifting and congratulatory... for some reason Obama felt it necessary to include this in his speech.

"Still, if you're somebody who only reads the editorial page of The New York Times, try glancing at the page of The Wall Street Journal once in a while. If you're a fan of Glenn Beck or Rush Limbaugh, try reading a few columns on the Huffington Post website. It may make your blood boil; your mind may not be changed. But the practice of listening to opposing views is essential for effective citizenship. (Applause.) It is essential for our democracy. (Applause.)"

I find it a little telling that Obama must try to get a dig in whenever he can. I feel it was an inappropriate thing for a president to say at a commencement speech.

That's all. :P

Pretty jazzed...

Well... I usually don't get all gushy and stupid over pop stars, but I've made an exception for Adam Lambert. I think he has unlimited potential and I'm hoping that once he's free from the American Idol ball and chain, he'll be the next King of glam rock! We've got tickets to see him in June at a pretty small venue in Columbus, and we're taking my daughter with us. It'll be her first concert and she is SO excited! The icing on the cake is that Orianthi, the incredible female guitarist who has crashed through the glass ceiling, is opening up for him! I don't know who I'm more excited to see, her or Adam! :P

My son wasn't interested in seeing Mr. Lambert, but he is going with me to see Muse later this summer! I'm REALLY up for this show... it's going to be fantastic! There are so many great bands right now... I just love getting to see all these great new artists. The old ones aren't too bad either, I'm taking my mother to see Three Dog Night in July. They still sound as good as they ever did and it's at The Fraze, so how could it be bad?

Cold, wet noses and cinnamon rolls...

My dog is sitting at my feet "branding" me with his ice cold nose. He doesn't want me to forget that he's begging for a bite of my cinnamon roll. Good luck with that buddy, it's gonna take more than your ridiculous adorableness to pry this outta my hands! :P

Had a pretty good weekend, despite the overcast atmosphere. Met up with an old friend Friday afternoon and that was great. It's so good to know that sometimes, no matter how much time goes by, there are still connections that time doesn't diminish. Later that evening, I had some of my family over and had some good food and a few drinks. Even later, we went to see my son's band play and got to witness them playing an outstanding version of a White Stripes song! Too cool!

Saturday was a little less eventful, as I slept as late as everyone would let me! :P It was one of those mornings when the blankets feel softer than usual and the light rain hitting the awning outside, kept lulling me back to sleep. I love those kind of mornings. I finally did drag myself out of bed, showered and listened to some Fleet Foxes while getting dressed. We went to Jody's practice, under threat of rain the entire time... so I sat in the car and finished a book. Pizza and a movie finished off our Saturday, all in all pretty nice.

I've spent today doing laundry and dishes... yay! :/ Oh well, somebody's got to do it, might as well be me. I'm getting a little excited about summer coming. There are going to be some pretty good outdoor music festivals the year and I'm going to get to some this time! Okay... I've decided to have a mini Dustin Hoffman film festival tonight... see ya!

Looking back in time...

I've been doing a bit of soul searching tonight... as usual. This night took me back to a great time in my life, and all it took was a song. The year was 1991. The place was a tiny studio apartment I was able to get with the help of my family, following the abrupt ending of my marriage. The song was "Get Here" by Oleta Adams. I was violently in love with a man who was not my husband, but... was a friend of ours. I was 22, and love was everything to me. I mean everything.

I was able to talk this man into coming to my "house" to talk. The rest, as they say, was history. The best times I've ever had, simply because of the passion I carried around for him. It was probably mediocre at best, in reality. The actualization of a fantasy, though, was priceless. All I know is what I felt at the time, which was something words can't describe. You had to be me, I guess. Imagine carrying around expectations, thoughts, feelings, and explicit images around with you for years. Imagine getting the opportunity to act on those feelings. I actually did! It was amazing! It really was... but it was a red hot flame that burned out very quickly. Reality set in, and it turned out to be too much for either one of us to deal with, but what a rush!

I would not trade that time in my life for anything, and I mean it. That is the fuel that burns in me to this day. I know, or at least... I hope, that I can feel that way again. It's what I live for. I hope for good music and good feelings like 1991 brought me!

And on the remote chance he's reading this... I've never forgotten you.

What's the matter Colonel Sanders.... chicken?

They've been having a Mel Brooks film fest on AMC tonight... Spaceballs and Blazing Saddles. Two great films, but not his best. Of course we all know that Young Frankenstein is the ULTIMATE! Personally, I think that "History Of The World, Part Two" is the next best... but, who am I?

Anyway... I hope that the world has been treating everyone well, if not, my condolences. This is my first post while under the influence. I hope I don't make any more of an ass of myself than I usually do. :P

Great new radio station on the air, 106.5... they play oldies, and I don't mean 80's but 60's. I love it. The roots of everything good on the airwaves today, so I respect it and sometimes prefer it. I just miss the days of an actual Deejay, playing our requests. Seems all personal feelings and thoughts have been forgone for money. Sad. I might listen to the radio more, if not for that.

As you might have guessed, I don't really have a thought or particular thing in mind to talk about tonight... sometimes you just don't. Actually, you might just have so much on your mind, you don't know where to begin, so why start? Where would it end?

Let's just say I'm thinking about family and how important that is. When you're young, all you can think about is getting out from under it, when you're older... all you can think about is how to get it back. It seems you're whole life revolves around it, and for good cause. People search the entire world for the meaning of life, but it all comes right back to where you started. Home. You want your kids to know it, but they'll still find a calling of thier own. In the end, they'll come back. Don't we all?

We all seek things in life... be it money, fortune, fame, or just our definition of success. We'll travel the world to find it. But, in our hearts, true contentment comes from the hearth. The place where we grew up, our home. The place where milestones were achieved, where brothers and sisters were born, where we found love or lost our true love. We all come back for some reason.

This goes out to all who wish they could be home and can not... home is in your heart.

Okay... this is NOT my life!

Have you ever had one of those days that you wish you could just do completely over? Yeah... that's the kind of day I've had. I slept in a little later than I should have, but I should have just stayed there all day, as it turned out.

The first thing I did today was catch my toes on the corner of the china cabinet, I then spent the next ten minutes cussing and hopping around on one foot. Twenty minutes later, I did the same damn thing again. I did invent some great new vulgar word combinations, though!

After recovering from that, I got ready to take a shower only to discover that the pilot light on the water heater had gone out. Let me just say, somewhere in this world there is a sadistic bastard who designs pilot light systems, laughing his ass off. I washed my hair in cold water in the sink.

Running about an hour late, I finally got everyone in the car and went to pick up my father for lunch. He was asleep when I got there, and he refused to put on regular pants to go out in. I was in no mood to argue with him so I took him to lunch in his flannel pajama bottoms and bed head. He decided he had to have McDonald's... so that's where we went. Yum. While standing in line I looked over at my daughter and noticed she was covered in dirt, the knees of her pants caked with mud. She'd been outside practicing sliding earlier and I was so rushed I didn't even notice the dust cloud that was following her. All that was missing from this scene was The Beverly Hillbillies theme song playing in the background. I pick up the tray of food and turn around and run straight into an ex of mine. I looked like I had been through the mill and felt like it too. He, of course, looked perfectly put together and better looking than he did years ago.

I felt like curling up in the fetal position and locking myself in the closet when I got home... but, I can laugh now... or maybe I've finally snapped. Sometimes it's hard to tell. :P

Mondayyyyness....

Well... sadly, due to circumstances beyond my control, I did not get to see Vampire Weekend tonight. My son DID go though, so I got the post-game wrap-up and an AWESOME T-shirt from him. Not the best show he'd ever seen, but not the worst. Small and packed venue, enthusiasm very high... as was the keyboard player, who seemed to lag behind the rest of the band most of the night. Truly a disappointment for the keyboard playing friend that was with them. The lead singer of the band seemed to make up for it with sizzling vocals and on-spot guitar licks, squaring it all up in the end. Sorry I missed it, but not devastated.

On the good side, I had an hours long conversation with my daughter. I was thrilled, but played it cool. She talked about things she'd never uttered before and I was so relieved. She's a mystery most of the time, and keeps her feelings well hidden. It was nice to hear her opinion of things and actually have a back and forth with her. She's a very cool person, in my opinion.

But... I don't want this blog to be about my kids. I wouldn't want anyone writing about me without my knowledge and I'm going to do my best to stay true to that. I may wander off my path occasionally and mention them, for that... I hope I am forgiven.

Being single in this ridiculous world is difficult, but being coupled with someone can be just as harrowing, maybe worse. Most of the single people I know now meet potential suitors online, as do I. It's sickeningly scary, as I know from experience. People present themselves in a light you'd like to see them in, simply because you tell everyone in your profile what you'd like in a potential mate. Wow... isn't that amazing? They like the same music I do, they like the same foods I like, they read the same books I read! We must be meant to be! I've met THE biggest losers on EARTH online... why? Because they don't stand a chance in real life meetings.

How about the loser who seems really interested in you, until you show a little apprehension. The day after you couldn't do exactly what he wanted you to do, he'll post some ridiculous message that he is suddenly in a new relationship. The idiot probably thinks he's making you jealous, but has no idea that he just made it into your INCREDIBLE loser categorey! Obviously, that is something that just happened to me, but I thought I'd share it with whatever elusive entity who might be reading this....LOL!

Enough ranting already! Have a sweet and peaceful evening.

Friday night... and I'm sitting at home

listening to the new Johnny Cash album. I think this one should be the last one they release... the good songs are getting sparse. There is a good version of Satisfied Mind on it, so I consider it money well spent. It is good music to sit and reflect upon the coming tests of my fortitude, I'll admit.

I spent a good part of my evening with my daughter, it was really nice. My son has outgrown me, I fear... at least for the time being. I'll be hanging out with him next week though, seeing Vampire Weekend! In a year or two we can bring my daughter along with us, that'll be the ultimate good time for me. I love my music worshipping children, chips off the old block!(Even if it means I'm going to have to endure the sounds of a beginning drummer for a while!):P

I had somewhat of a stressful week with a lot of major decisions to mull over, but I think I'll keep those things to myself for a while yet. I need time to sort through it all. Waking up to snow this morning messed with my mind a little bit, and I haven't been right since! Sooo... I think I'll keep it short today, I hope tomorrow brings things into better focus.

Later... that same night.

I just want to share with you the music that is making me crazy right now, and that's exactly what music SHOULD do for you!

The house is quiet....

and I'm listening to the sweet sounds of The Raconteurs... what a band. You Don't Understand Me, one the best songs on the album and the one I identify with the most. I've always felt misunderstood, for the most part, and I figure good ole Jack White does too... but I digress.

I always said I would never get into the blogging thing... seems everyone's doing it, and I usually don't jump on bandwagons. Chances are... no one will ever read a word of this, and I can live with that. I just need a place to put this endless train of thought I seem to have when I should be SLEEPING! Sleep... I forget what that really is. Oh, I'll shut down for a while, but just a little while. Two hours of rest and then, BAM... 3:00 in the morning and I'm wide awake. The hours I should be spending in La-La Land are instead spent reflecting on the state of the world, the state of the pile of laundry growing in the utility room, or my incredibly changing state of mind.

That is the way it's always been for me, since the beginning of time. Night time has always been magical for me. No voices harping, no demands, no critics, no appointments.... it's the only time a soul is free. I can re-enact a poorly worded conversation and make it okay again, I can be the artist I always wanted to be- at night. I can paint that masterpiece in my mind, write the perfect song, construct the perfect monument, save someone... save myself. It's wondrous and right. I seem to have all the answers when the rest of the world slumbers, I'm fucking omnipotent... then... the sun rises. It all slips away, just out of my grasp. Everything I thought I understood suddenly seems to be tinged with doubt or apprehension. I abhor that, but I want to understand it more than anything.

I want to know why it is that I can contemplate alternative universes at 2 in the morning, but I can't even discuss alternative lifestyles at 2 in the afternoon. Why is it that I was so curious as a child that I would lay awake at night and contemplate the thought of nothingness- what does nothing look like? Is it clear? What does clear really look like, when I can't picture it without an image or color behind it?- Yet, in the light of day I don't have the patience to wait at a red light.

Yes... night time is my time and I'm tired of fighting it, but, perhaps with this outlet I won't be so damn cranky in the morning. :P